Sometimes I get the impression that I have some minor form of cyclothymia (just the impression, I don't believe I do!). And now, it is one of those periods that I have a somewhat depressed mood. Usually when I do not have so much energy to entertain myself with the usual tasks of my life, I think about myself, life, loneliness, and so on.
One of the main subjects that I think about is the ends I am seeking in my life. I know some people who have very clear ends: money, fame, and anything else that pertains to them. The problem with me is that I do not feel satisfied with money, celebrity, or being respected.
Sometimes, I ask myself, "If I do not like to be respected by other people, do I like to be humiliated by them?" Surely, this is not what I am seeking. I mean I do not like to be humiliated, but on the other hand, other people's respect (or fear) towards me does not satisfy me. It's not an important end for me. When I think too much, it becomes clear that what I do really want is my love towards other people and their love towards me. But, doesn't this way of thinking have a flaw? Maybe it does. There are people whom I cannot love easily - people who are jealous, people who are intruding, people who do not have the capacity to love other people. This is the main challenge of my life: how to love other people and how to consider all of them worthy of loving.